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What bugs me about Halloween: 16 year olds trick or
treating and homeowners who give out crummy candy or
no candy at all. What's the deal with lollipops and
pennies? |
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People who walk by smokers on the street waving their
hand in front of their face just feet away from an
exhaust belching diesel bus.
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Rudy Giuliani should run for President in 08'. How
about a Kerry/Hillary Clinton Democratic ticket to go
against him?
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What killed John Kerry in the 04' election: The image
of a bitchy, wealthy wife on a team that looks out for
the little people, making a big deal about his service
in Vietnam, siding with those who support gay
marriages and using brainless celebrities like Eminem,
Springsteen and Barbara Streisand to get his message
out.
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My friend has a gadget that blocks all incoming and
outgoing cell phone calls within a 20-foot radius of
his device. The $160.00 device is illegal in the U.S.
He bought it on the Internet from the UK. It looks
like a cell phone and he often uses it in restaurants
and movie theaters to keep the room quiet. The only
downside: when people lose their calls, they loudly
shout, "can you hear me, hello, hello, are you there."
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From
a listener:
Things that bug me.....
Katie
Couric interviewing anyone....it's like, "so when you
saw your friend being disembowled didn't you feel their HORRIFIC
pain......."well, you know I wasn't really looking.....""BUT
you must have felt, BLAH BLAH BLAH........."OK Katie
yeah......thanks for telling me how I felt. |
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Macho guys,
like my friend Curtis Sliwa, who’s convinced SARS is just
another passing flu that will go away with a few aspirin and
a cold pack. |
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Anti-war
protesters----who aren’t just against the war, but against
America. |
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Hillary
Clinton and her shrill voice when she yells. |
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Senator
Chuck Schumer’s silly Sunday news conferences. |
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People
who bum cigarettes every day. A few years ago it didn’t
matter, but those packs now cost nearly eight bucks. |
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Mayor Bloomberg’s
smoking ban. |
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Guests
at my home who refuse tap water. “Got any bottled water,”
they ask. By the way, did you know New York City water has been
rated among the best in the country? |
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People---mainly
yuppie types---who walk around talking on those hands free cell
phone contraptions. They look like dorks. |
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People
who crank up their stereo headphones to the point that we all
have to listen to their “private” music. |
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Those neighbors
of mine who let their dogs take a dump on the sidewalk and don’t
clean it up. I have a little dog. They have giant dogs. Think
size! |
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It’s
2003. Can’t the weather forecasters get it right? |
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Please,
no more rain or snow. |
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People
who stand in front of subway and elevator doors, as you’re
trying to get out. |
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Jerry Springer,
Dr. Phil, Divorce Court and most reality T.V. shows. |
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Mother’s
day, Father’s day and Valentine’s Day. I love
my mom, I love my dad and if I had girlfriend, I’d love
her, too. But, these are unnatural holidays created by greeting
card companies to make us all feel guilty.
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New York
city street vendors: Okay,
they sell everything under the sun from their sidewalk perches…but
based on trial and error here's what I recommend you buy and
not buy from the vendors.
Don't
buy:
- Bed
sheets at street fairs: They're cheap and fall apart.
- New
release videos: They use a camcorder to record them off
the screen in movie theaters.
- Watches
and wallets: They fall apart.
- Batteries
on the subway: They yell Duracell, but a closer examination
will find the name Duocell with the same familiar black
and gold coloring.
- "Street
News": That's the newspaper homeless people sell. I
think they've been circulating the same one for five years
now. Sure, the money goes directly to the seller, but put
a sandwich in their hand. Chances are
they'll drink away their cash. If that doesn't bother you,
buy one.
- Umbrellas:
buy one if it's not windy. Otherwise invest $15 in a good
one.
Go ahead
and buy:
- T-shirts:
Not bad and cheap, too.
- Socks:
same as above
- CD's:
The technology now allows even bad "dubs" to sound
half decent.
- Hot
dogs: Okay the water looks a little murky, but it's still
one of the best bargains in Gotham.
- Street
art: This is a great way to support local artists and put
something nice on your wall for a fair price. You'll find
them all over SOHO and the Village.
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People
who accuse the entire news media of being "liberal."
Take for instance WABC listener Alan Sage's email to my website:
"George you absolutely, 100%, definitely have liberal views.
Nothing wrong with that, but just admit it! Most liberal won't!
Again, it's OK! " He never cited an example...even after
asking him three times. |
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$3.00 umbrellas
from street vendors. Why do we keep buying them? |
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People
who rush into elevators before the others get out. |
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Pickles
with my lunch. |
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Pop up
windows. |
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I think
the phrase "you know what I'm saying" should be removed
from everyone's vocabulary. |
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From WABC
listener Maryanne: News people who sound HAPPY reading "news
just in." |
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I'd like
to encourage my WABC listeners to please, do not bath in perfume
or cologne. I suspect women are guiltier of this, but plenty
of men douse themselves with their favorite fragrance. A dab
will do, since; perfumes were designed to be detected only by
your lover, not as an air freshener for dozens of innocent passersby.
How many times have you walked into an empty elevator and Pierre
Cardin smacks you in the face like a brick. |
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Now, some
journalistic phrases that have no place in print. " Daring
daylight robbery." (Corny) "The brutal murder."
(Aren't they all)? "An education summit or a crime summit."
(There was a time when summits were reserved exclusively for
world leaders to discuss world issues.) "The investigation
continues." (Of course it does. Tell me something new)
" Fatally injured." (What are you? A doctor trying
to be nice. How about killed.) |
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The other
day I'm in a diner and this really fat lady orders a double-cheeseburger,
large fries, a hot apple pie and a cup of coffee with SWEET
AND LO. I asked a friend about this and she told me some people
think it TASTES BETTER. Yeah, and margarine tastes better than
butter and tofu tastes better than beef. |
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Taxi drivers
who don't know how to time traffic lights and rush up to them----before
they change. |
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People
who use those personal listening devices called headphones and
share their music with everyone around them. |
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When the
talk show host introduces a caller by their name and town and
the caller responds: "Hi, this is Jackie from Long Island."
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Traffic
circles. Brilliant once. Stupid now. |
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Please
remove "you know what I mean" from your vocabulary.
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Has anyone
else gotten tired of reality t.v. shows? |
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For
a while there I kept hearing that creepy voice from the movie
"Dont say a word" in my dreams at night. "I'll
never tellllllll"
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